After reflecting back on my past and talking with friends about my failed relationships and the possibility of a new one, I’ve realized not everyone sees love, people and relationships the way I do. This isn’t a bad thing by any means but it’s definitely enlightening to me.
A lot of people I think, can relate with falling fast. However, I don’t think they “fall” the same way. People, in my opinion, fall fast for several reasons. Maybe they have low standards. It could be they’re in love with the idea of love and think they can settle in certain areas. For me I tend to fall faster because I see the good in everyone. It’s a blessing and a curse but I honestly wouldn’t change it. It’s part of what makes me who I am. It’s not only with people but situations that have gone not on the bright side. Or if I see someone in need but it could be a sketchy situation I would most likely throw caution to the wind. I’m usually finding the bright side and not looking at the negative possibilities.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love love. I do. I have always loved the idea of finding your one true soulmate and living happily ever after. Of course I know that’s not how life works but I’m not giving up the fairytale. My fairytale isn’t picture perfect at all but no matter what the situation or circumstance may be my fairytale is never giving up on my person and them never giving up on me.
So maybe you’re starting to see where I’ve had a hard time of getting myself out of unhealthy situations. Like most relationships start off mine were always happy. Each one seemed better than the last. It felt I was closer and closer to the kind of man I’d dreamt about. But I kept getting blindsided by the way he looked. Or the successful job he had. Sometimes the nice vehicle he drove was a bonus too. The way he showed kindness to me. Attention even. Showing me ways he cared that no other man before him had.
I held onto these things and lost sight of what I had really longed for. With each of these relationships I lost sight of who I was. I had conformed so much to be the girl they wanted I didn’t see that they weren’t being the man I needed. It wasn’t until I was reminded in June through a vision of who I was. Unfortunately the man I saw with me there wasn’t quite the man I thought he was. Ultimately this led me to incredible confusion. When someone is feeding you lines of every single thing you’ve ever wanted to hear and it being something you’ve prayed so hard about it makes it easy to let your guard down and believe you’ve really found your person.
Like I’ve said before, God doesn’t make mistakes but people do. I think there’s a possibility that was suppose to be the beginning of the chapter in life I’d longed for the most. That boy had other plans. Looking back at all the conversations and talking with friends there’s no way I could have seen what was coming. He painted himself in an entirely different light and led me to believe things he shouldn’t have. Maybe he thought he was being nice. But I’ve learned a thing or two about that word recently. A good friend of mine gave me some advice and he said, “it’s not being nice if you don’t mean it.” Kinda knocked the wind outta me when he said it because this whole situation flashed in my mind. Even though that wasn’t the context he was referring to. But it’s so very true!
This time is different for me. My heart is guarded. Which isn’t easy for me. I have a few walls up even though I’d rather not. I’m not rushing into anything but the reality is I’d like to! I finally made a true list of everything I need my husband to be. I’m sticking firm to that. As much as I want it now I know that’s not the path I’m on. Faith is a funny thing but wonderfully rewarding. I’ll continue to see the good in everyone and I’ll love like I have no scars but it’s time for me to remember the woman I am and the man I deserve.